Baby Camael Musso 7/15/2011 (conception) to 9/26/2011 (the day you were taken from my womb)

Our sweet Camael...

You left us way too soon I am praying that somehow God will allow you to hear these things that mommy wants you to know....

The minute I found out about you, I fell in love with you. I spent many nights in bed thinking about you, praying for you and thinking about a future with you. It is taking me some time to remember that you are no longer in my womb as I sometimes still feel you there...

I know your life was not an accident. Many people ask if you were planned...you and I both know that our Maker new exactly when your life would start and end. I know He is holding you and is now giving you a better life than I ever could...yet I wish it could have been with all of us here.

Thank you for saying hello those two times I got to see your precious little heart beating. It is one of the most intimate and cherished moments a mommy could ever have. Even though I couldn't hug you, it was the sweetest thing knowing that I was holding you as close as I possibly could...in my womb.

I am glad that God chose me to be your mommy and am honored that it will never end. I hope you felt my love for you every time I thought about or spoke to you...hope you feel and know it even still.

Your big brother and big sister had so many plans with you but I know that they will understand that God had a different plan instead. Every time I hold them I will be thinking about you too.

Your with C.J. now and I hope that you both know that I feel the same way about both of you and love you both just as much as your big brother and sister.

I know people won't understand when I tell them I have four children and see only two with us but you see, I can see with eternal eyes that we are more than just flesh and blood and that your souls live on. I know that some day I will be able to hold you and C.J. in heaven and be with all of my children.

Losing you was hard on mommy emotionally and physically and just as much as it would have been worth the pain and emotion to deliver you at 9 months, it was worth the pain and emotion to see your little body for a short time so I could say goodbye. I am so thankful to God that He allowed me to see you...give Him a hug and kiss for me.

Your daddy is an amazing father and I know he loved you so...he grieves in his own way. I will hug him for you when he's feeling sad and tickle his head like your big brother and sister do. I will sing with him until either one of us is taken home to be with you.
  
I have a request that you befriend little ones like you who have left their mommies and daddies just as soon as you did. I know you all get to worship God face to face. We will continue worshiping down here with the blessing of knowing that we are all a part of a bigger chorus singing with the angels out of love for our Great God Almighty who loves us all so much.

I knew that God was with you in my womb the whole time. Sometimes I picture God being very big but then I realize He is even in the smallest of places. I know I don't have to tell you much more about God because you are right there with Him and He is telling you the rest.

I think about you so much and as any mother would, worry if you are safe and warm. Then God's quiet voice reassures me that you are as safe as you can be.

I was given a blanket in your honor that I can hold on to as I think about you...especially when I am sad. Sometimes I pray that God will give me a dream about how you are doing so that I can rest assured that you are happy and full of life.

There is so much more that I could say and I wish you didn't have to go. There is not a single person or thing that could replace you. I love all of my children and know that God created each of you uniquely and with a purpose. I know that the lives of my two angel babies in heaven have a purpose here on earth.

Your daddy, brother, sister and I will never ever forget you or C.J. I am forever grateful that I got to carry you both and as much as I wonder why my womb wasn't the best place for you, I hear God telling me He is carrying you the rest of the way.

Your daddy and I will always be a mother and father to each one of you. You have already done so much to bring your daddy and I closer together and we are grateful.
Your brother and sister will be sad to know they won't get to meet you when they thought they would but I know the Lord will comfort them.

We embrace the Father with you and send you to his care with a name...Camael. Camael is the Angel of Joy and believed to be the angel that attended to Jesus in his agony in the Garden at Gethsemane. Your name means "one who sees God."

Love you more than words could say...
Mommy, Daddy, Christian and Josephine 

Tacos and Heartbeats

August 29, 2011...over dinner at Taco Bell.

 

Daddy: "Kids your mommy has something she wants to tell you."

Mommy: "Remember when I had to go to the doctor last week and they had to take my blood and check me out?"

Kids: "Uh huh." 

Mommy: "Well guess what they found out?" 

Kids: (silence) (slightly worried looks) What?

Mommy: "Well they found a little heart beating in my belly AND they found it was a BABY!" You both are going to be a BIG brother and a BIG sister!" 

Christian: (eyes wide open) "Oooh, you're having a baby! I hope it's a brother so I can play Army with him!" 

Josephine:  (Jovial) "If it's a brother, I guess I will just play by myself...ooh and I am going to feed the baby!" 

Mommy: "Josephine, what were you thinking about when we told you, you looked worried? You had a funny look on your face."

Josephine: "Huh! I almost dropped my taco!" (because she was so surprised)

... and another heart quietly beats in the Musso family!

We were certain that our childbearing days were over and I can't say we are surprised when we were never against the possibility of having more. However, we found contentment with our two after having grieved the loss of our C.J. three years ago. We patiently wait each month for growth, trusting that no matter what comes, that God will provide whatever needs we have...because He always has. Last go around, we swore we would wait until we were at least 5 months along...I know extreme. We worried how it would traumatize our kids if we were to miscarry again but it is important to us that our kids learn to deal with the reality of death and life in a healthy way. I can't imagine them not being a part of this pregnancy or the loss of it. They know about their baby brother or sister C.J. and even if the worst were to happen, we would grieve together and in that grow stronger as a family. 

Today, we are rejoicing for the life that we have as a family of 4...plus a small raspberry (that's the size baby Musso is about now). Last night at prayer time these prayers were lifted up to heaven:

Josephine: "Dear God, help the baby to be strong and to grow to be healthy. Amen"

Christian: "Dear God, help my mommy to not have too much pain when the baby comes and help her to be strong." 

So...our family grows and we appreciate your prayers. Some of you follow us as we continue in ministry here in the inner city. I haven't quite established a fancy news letter but would if the interest is there...so let me know. 

For You formed my inward parts; You wove me in my mother's womb. Psalm 139:13

Yaay! We're gonna have a baby!!!

Lead Me To the Cross

Savior I come
Quiet my soul remember
Redemption's hill
Where Your blood was spilled
For my ransom
Everything I once held dear
I count it all as lost


Lead me to the cross
Where Your love poured out
Bring me to my knees
Lord I lay me down
Rid me of myself
I belong to You
Lead me, lead me to the cross


You were as I
Tempted and trialed, human
The word became flesh
Bore my sin and death
Now you're risen


Lead me to the cross
Where Your love poured out
Bring me to my knees
Lord I lay me down
Rid me of myself
I belong to You
Lead me, lead me to the cross


To your heart
To your heart
Lead me to your heart
Lead me to your heart


Lead me to the cross
Where Your love poured out
Bring me to my knees
Lord I lay me down
Rid me of myself
I belong to You
Lead me, lead me to the cross

2011 Winter/Spring Update

I really thought I would be blogging more than this but such is life for us!

The year started off with both kids in school five days a week and my taking some classes at UCD to get some science under my belt in hopes to apply to PA school sometime in the near future. It hasn't been going the way I had planned. As each exam came around the corner, my "get 'er done" philosophy was of no help to me despite my giving 110% to studying. I told myself I wouldn't commiserate too much in this post so in a nutshell, I have picked the wrong season to go back to school.  I am finding it is just not worth the cost (financially or otherwise) to attempt something that I cannot get good results in despite how hard I have tried. I had to accept that I have limitations and honestly, I am really tired and weary. I remember before I graduated with my undergrad in 2009 how excited I was to finally read a book without having a deadline and to have more freedom to be a better presence to my family and others. How did I lose sight of that?  Thankfully, I have very gracious people in my life and and an amazing Savior who is walking beside me and sometimes even carrying me as I work this all out!

In January, Jason had an interview in Georgia for a spot as an Air Force Reserve Chaplain. He is patiently waiting for a reply as the powers that be are figuring out their budget....hopefully his acceptance will soon be adding to ours. Jason also ran in the Rock 'n Roll Marathon in Phoenix and finished! In February, the church plant we are a part of (Church of the Advent) launched its first official worship service to the public. Jason volunteered to take on the position as the Worship Leader. He has also been able to use his gift to preach and teach. We are thankful for this place that God has led us to and we are forming some of the best bonds we've ever known. Jason's biggest role has been here at Joy House. Although we are co-directors, he carries the bulk of the load and he does it well. He is a great leader and deserves some credit (as opposed to my getting much) because of his work behind the scenes as he advocates for our family of women in some very amazing ways. He sometimes doesn't really get a true break from everything he has to manage on a weekly basis but doesn't complain. He has taught me a lot about true leadership.

We had a brief getaway at the end of February and took my dad with us to Breckenridge for a weekend. We did the usual tour of the town and did some sledding with the kids. Shortly after, the kids were on Spring Break and so was I. It ended too soon and we are now waiting for school to dismiss for the summer in just 6 weeks. Jason said to me today, "It's gonna a be a great summer!" I'm glad and I agree because I could use a season that doesn't feel so weary. I am glad Spring his here (my favorite season) because it is always a good reminder that there is a promise of new life and new beginnings. Somewhere in the middle of Spring Break and Breckenridge, we were able to catch up with two very special mentors of ours (I call them "honorary mentors"). When Christian was just an infant and Jason and I were sleep deprived and out of our minds exhausted, they showed up close to midnight and helped us process through one of the worst nights of our life as a married couple. I am glad that I humbled myself enough to pick up the phone and that they were gracious enough to respond. A good time is always had when we are with them and we walk away refreshed and encouraged to face the season we are in.

Okay, well, I got this done in enough time to tuck the kids in to bed....and I have a pile of laundry waiting for me. God's blessings and prayers to all.